I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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