Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My life is pants optional.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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