I don't usually arrange sex via text message
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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