Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
