was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
