i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
