Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
