you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
