I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
