We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sorry about my life...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
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