My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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