I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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