Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
