I can tuck mytits in my pants
grandma shit on top of the toilet
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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