woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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