Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
