if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
