Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
