he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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