I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
