I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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