I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
