sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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