Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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