I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Randomize
