I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
