You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
