so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
