I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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