I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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