don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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