I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
