He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Is it penis luge time yet?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
