I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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