My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
