So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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