I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
