True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
