do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
