So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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