apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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