I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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