Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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