You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
