Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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