Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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