I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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