Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
True strength comes from lack of pants
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
