I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
