Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
