She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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