everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
